It’s hard giving up control. It’s hard trusting others. Both my daughters are autistic, one of my daughters is mostly nonverbal, and I practice Positive Discipline. I have taken hundreds of hours (I’m not exaggerating) of classes and certification for caregivers of autistic and neurodivergent children and Positive Discipline/Conscious Discipline. I have read about 20-30 books of varying topics covering those subjects. Then I was diagnosed as autistic myself. My autism manifest in perfectionism quite often. I am constantly trying to be the best I can possibly be in anything that is important to me.
However, my husband doesn’t learn by reading and he initially didn’t take the time to take the classes I was taking. And he wasn’t diagnosed with autism, so initially, he just supported me or he did what I told him to do concerning the girls. Sounds great right? NO. There are two issues with this setup.
- The onus of raising our autistic children fell on me.
- My husband never felt completely comfortable doing anything for our children on his own without my overview or advice.
This cause so many disagreement between us. So much of me and him not trusting his decision making with his own children and me micromanaging anything he did. It also caused so many personal and health issue for me. I literally had no alone time, no personal time, and no self care. I lost myself.
So eventually I had to allow Crisean to learn how to care for our girls HIS WAY. I showed him what classes to take but that’s it. He had to pick and choose his methods. My way isn’t the only way, it’s my way. (I like to think it’s the best way but it ain’t the only way). As long as he and I agree on our goals & limits for our daughters, I have faith in him to get it done the best way he can. The task will get done and the house, our kids, will be alright. I didn’t just know all this. I had time to learn. He initially didn’t have time to learn because I did everything, and he just did what I said.
It took me forever to learn that with all my control issues and southern woman socialization but Tash went through that so you ain’t have to do that. I have to let him learn and find his way. And what do I get, I get balance. I get time to take care of me. I get time to actually hang out with my friends. I get time to invest in my career and community and have a life outside of my kids. I get a partner I respect and trust instead of a liability.